Balancing Act One

I love my kids with such passion.  I never question it. It just is. Wouldn't it be amazing to be able to be that way about other things in life? But what? Does anybody ever feel as passionately about anything that ISN'T their kids? To be able to give freely and without expectation. To just be happy to do it.  Is that what it is like to be a Buddhist monk? HOW do they do that? For me, pregnancy was an exercise in just being.  Vomiting daily, up to 18 times once, herniating, wishing I would just die on occasion. Damn, I shoulda worn an orange robe- Possibly the closest I will ever get to going with the flow and just being, even if I was yaking and peeing on myself. Damn I was soooooo super sexy. Ugh.  And I look pretty good in orange. The Yin and Yang of THAT situation was rather severe.  I always believed that my kids were as good as my pregnancies were bad.
I like Buddhism.  Having been raised without any god and the conviction that whatever happens is because I make it happen seems to sort of work with it.  Being the master of one's own destiny and all that. I have also always loved the Tao te Ching.  I used to read it often.  It was a nice way of thought. A philosophy of sorts.
I think I should start reading it again.  I found an element of peace in it.  I don't have God, Jesus, Allah, Mohammad, Yaway etc to guide me, to lean on.  Sometimes I wish I did but I just wasn't conditioned to believe in it. Unless some miracle happens it isn't likely to happen.  It must be nice for people to have the belief that there is something/someone there who is going to fix things or make things better.  Whatever happens for me is because I have to do it myself
Yes, I realize I am going to hell-I never understand that- Oh you don't believe in god- you are going to hell. OK, fine as long as I don't have to be where you are, you kind unjudgemental person(s)
I DO have faith in things but this has nothing to do with "faith".  I believe that good things will happen- why shouldn't they? My blind faith has been a helpful ray of sunshine I can shine up my ass when I need to.
So what they hell am I writing about? How everything I do in my life for and with my children  is totally out of love and unconditional and that there is a certain amount of peace in that.  I can use more peace in my life. Buddhist monks seem to be at peace. I like orange and I don't believe in Jesus.  But I DID have a boyfriend named Jesus years ago and we had great sex.  I have blind faith and believe that everything will ultimately be fine.  We ARE the masters of our destinies.
For now, I just try to enjoy the moments- The smell and feel of the kids first thing in the morning when they are all smushy and warm.  Nothing better. 
And maybe in some free time I will start reading the Tao again.  Try to figure out how to be more at peace with other things in my life.  Or at least find more balance- I love the symbol of  Yin/yang.  I love the idea of metaphors such as "dropping a stone in a calm pool of water will simultaneously raise waves and lower troughs between them, and this alternation of high and low points in the water will radiate outward until the movement dissipates and the pool is calm once more. Yin and yang are thus are always opposite and equal qualities" (Wikipedia)
I am going to try to find more peace by achieving better balance in my life.  I still haven't figured out what that means but I'm doing it.  Standing tall and bending with the wind.