Anti Antis

So as it turns out- getting OFF antidepressants isn't such an easy thing.  I thought "yeah, a few days...get it out of my system...maybe I'll feel bummed a little?" Uh wrrrrong.
I am getting visions of the movie "Trainspotting" where the main guy is vomiting and shivering and looks like crap as he is having withdrawal from heroin.  I spent several days feeling like I was about to get the worst flu of my life.  My head was spinny, I felt incredibly tired and worst of all, I thought I was going to vomit pretty much every 5 minutes.  In fact, I was SO nauseous that I actually went to the pharmacy and bought a pregnancy test.  Thankfully, I am NOT knocked up but I have to say, for me, drug withdrawal feels quite like pregnancy so it isn't surprising that the thought went through my head.  Need birth control? just talk to me about pregnancy. That should work.
So drug withdrawal. Does this all mean I am an addict?  There is something about it all that seems very wrong.  All I want to do is get off them and really FEEEEEEEL whats going on in my life.  Make sure that I am not glossing over anything.  It is about trying to take responsibility for me.
I originally went on antidepressants in 1997 because I was having panic attacks. I had just started my relationship, second go around, with Sam.  My first panic attack happened when I was visiting Sam for the first time in Amherst, MA where he was living. We were in the car on the way from Amherst to the airport in Boston.  I threw up all over his car.  Sam gave me an ativan and I slept the whole flight back.  I am pretty sure I wasn't depressed. I was just a little freaked out about being in what was very quickly becoming a serious relationship.  The whole disability "Thing" was a hard pill to swallow and it was all happening so fast.  Also, no one had really ever said they loved me and actually meant it. 

The first psychopharmacologist I saw was a real, no REAL, asshole.  He prescribed Zoloft and told me to take one before bed.  He also gave me Ativan for my anxiety.  At about 3 in the morning I woke up in a total terror. I was having a really horrible anxiety attack and I knew it was because of the meds.  I called the doctor totally freaked out and he told me to take an ativan. It didn't calm me down, so I called him again. He told me to take another one.  He just wanted freak out chick to leave him alone so he could sleep.  Meanwhile I was up all night gnashing my teeth. Talk about Trainspotting.... I think I called him maybe 3 times. I never went back to him. I ended up with the doctor I have now who is awesome.  I have tried many many antidepressants.  Gained 15 pounds on Prozac, couldn't stay awake on Celexa, Serzone did Jack, Zoloft- well you've heard about Zoloft already, Elavil made me agitated.  I ended up on a cocktail of Wellbutrin and Lexapro and then about a year ago switched from the lexapro to Cymbalta.
So here I am 14 years later wondering "Do I really need to be on these?" I think they have been incredibly helpful and pulled me through many difficulties. (My pregnancies being 2 of the big ones). 14 years later- I am 30 pounds heavier, don't have the energy I had before and thankfully don't have panic attacks so much anymore. Occasionally, but nothing I can't handle.  I feel like the only way I will lose the weight is to get off of them.  It also isn't such a joy to be mostly constipated from them, have NO libido and not sleep as well as I used to way back when.
So am I an addict if I don't want to take them but then when I stop I feel like I am going to end up in a pile vomiting on myself? 
Did you know there is actually a name for antidepressant withdrawl? It is called "Discontinuation Syndrome and the symptoms include
"agitation, anxiety, akathisia, irritability, hostility, aggressiveness, worsening of mood, crying spells or mood lability, over activity or hyperactivity, decreased concentration, slowed thinking, confusion and memory/concentration difficulties. Some people report that supplementing the diet with Omega-3 Fish Oils alleviate some of the symptoms of withdrawal from SSRI's."
Wikipedia
I basically got all those- including akathisia- WTF is that? it is like having pins and needles in your legs, like not being able to stretch your legs, like needing to move them all the time but they feel sore and like you just want to stretch but that doesn't do anything.  I went for a walk with my dear Lisa and I cried like a banshee for at least 2 miles of it. anything even slightly emotional made me cry.  And the weird thing is with the Fish Oil thing. ALL I wanted to eat was raw Salmon.  For about 4 days I had Salmon Sashimi from Mitsuwa for lunch and dinner. I craved it.  That is bizarre. I swear I am NOT pregnant.
There is another name for the withdrawal- "Brain Zaps"-  You get a wierd feeling in your head like you can almost feel your brain jiggling around in there. Not such a pleasant feeling.  If you google withdrawal from Cymbalta it is a little alarming....

So....goal made 1-26-2011- To not be an addict of anything. (Within reason of course...obviously I NEED air and I NEED hugs from my kids)
How to do this? Get off my meds
How to do that? Beats the hell out of me- I am back on my meds BUT I am going in to see my doctor (Oi ANOTHER medical visit) first week of Febuary to come up with a more effective game plan.
Game on.