Ready or not...

A midlife crisis happens to people sometime between the ages of  40 and 60. It is considered a normal part of growing up or "maturing" because apparently growing up is only for kids?  It is said that most people will experience some sort of emotional transition during this stage of their life.  This is a time when you put it all out on the table, examine your life with a microscope and decide what needs to change.  It is the time that people decide to run marathons, seek adventure, cheat on their spouses, it makes some people depressed and makes others write blogs.
I am trying to figure myself out.  I have spent so many years taking care of others that I have lost sight of who I am.  When I find myself then I think I CAN lay it out on the table and hopefully make rational choices that don't hurt anybody because that is also another thing that people going through midlife crisis can do.
One thing I am sure of about myself other then the obvious "I am a mother, I am a wife"
My kids are THE most important thing in my life.
I have no desire to go out and meet another guy.  I like my guy.  He drives me crazy but we are good together.
Am I afraid of the future? Yes.
Do I wish he thought more about me and the kids then he does about himself? Yes but I understand why he does.
Does his CPAP machine make me crazy? Yes.
Do I wish I had a thing for Darth Vader? Yes.
Is Sam the nicest human being on the planet? Yes.
Am I lucky? Yes.
Do we have a good life? Yes. More money would be nice but that is my responsibility.  Part of my search for self and self worth is finding a way to make some money. I could get a metal detector and search for gold on the beach or I could try to do something that improves my self esteem and helps me to define myself. Though I DO love walking on the beach, I also want to preserve my young complexion (ha) so digging holes in the beach is out.
Part of my midlife crisis is entrenched in the realization that I have nothing to fall back on.  Over the last few years my husband has had many medical issues.  I have had moments of "OH SHIT What am I going to do?" I have NO way to support us if something should happen. It is amazing to have alot of skills and not be marketable.  I suspect that there are many moms like this.
Another thing I know about myself is that I am "Creative".
My background in in design. I am a certified Interior Designer. I was a set decorator.  My problem is I don't love the people I have to interact with.  I hate the hand holding and playing mediator between husbands and wives.  I do enough mediating at home. It is a VERY emotional process for people. I get it- but I'm not being paid to be a couples counselor and I don't get to nod and say "uh huh...and how do YOU feel about....".  And it's not that I am bad at it. I just don't like THAT aspect.  AND people always want to save a buck- even if it means taking it out of MY pocket even after I have no only saved them a ton already but helped them through some of their personal issues as well.
I've thought about staging. Downside of that, though it would be easy for me to do, is that there are many very established stagers out there who have large warehouses with furniture. I can't compete with that.  I could try to work for one of them but I am pretty sure they don't pay much.
I've thought about going into real estate. I could get a license online. I'd be good at that but my mom says that they will "hire any scum off the street" so that bubble was decimated. Popped, stomped on, thrown into a fire to melt and then spit on.  Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my mom and I don't think she actually meant to stick pins in my eyes and then pour lemon juice on them. When parents say something it becomes so much bigger. Another thing I get and need to work on with amazing therapist.
Another part of midlife crisis is a desire to start doing the things you have always wanted or said you were going to do. I have ALWAYS wanted to do a silk screening class and also a woodworking class. I like painting. One of my fave artists is Rauschenburg. LOVE his art. My art is influenced by his. I am a little more "painterly" but I love the texture and layers in his paintings.  So one thing I am doing FOR me is I am starting a silk screening class next week. I want to learn to integrate my photographs (I also like photography) into my art. Maybe this will kick start something.
I have always wanted to know how to "be a carpenter" and not because I think Jesus is cool or anything but because I grew up watching my parents build stuff. Kitchens, beds, the womb room (a WHOLE other blog entry). My mom seemed to always have safety goggles on her saw dust covered head while my dad inevitably yelled "FUCK IT!" from the wood shop in the basement after hitting his finger with a hammer for the 418th time.  I have watched my mother renovate countless houses. I would LOVE to do the same. Unfortunately I am at a loss in the capital department. But maybe someday. I have done a great job with our house now but couldn't do the work myself.
So I have my thoughts, they are under a microscope. More to come.