Garden stares

I've mentioned that in I am a designer. I haven't done much of it recently and "redoing" our backyard and garage is eluding me slightly.  For the past couple weeks I have spent a few minutes a day sitting on the steps at the back of my house pretty much just staring.  I can stare for long periods of time.  In fact, as a kid I had a friend who's bedroom window had an amazing jetliner view of La Jolla and the ocean.  I used to love to stand at her window and just stare look stare.  So much so, that my friend thought for sure that someday I would be a pilot.
So I sit in my backyard and play pilot and try to figure out what the hell to do with the space.
Take out the concrete, leave the concrete, keep part of it, take it all away...grass? DG? new concrete but not grey? I like stepstone pavers...too bad they are so pricey. No they aren't that pricey but my backyard is big...Could I do some of it like that? Is it too "Piece meal" looking like my mom says?  hmmmm...16' opening....oxxo slider door...no bi fold, no glass garage door, no oxxo, xxxo? Does that exist? Ugh Fleetwood...pricey...gotta empty out the garage....steps, steps....deck? Pergola...Need to take out dead passion flower vine. What happened to that vine anyway? Tree...need a tree...what would Ann do? gotta check out her garden again....Maybe the library has some good garden design books...Garden design books are always pricey...ART books are expensive....How does that squirrel carry that orange? Be nice to have more birds...need a tree...Mexican bamboo...definitely need some of that...Need an overall design. Concrete? pavers? Deck maybe a tree BY the deck? need to have different things going on. Kids need a good surface to bike/skate on. Damn...bricks? bad for skateboard...Does Oliver even like skateboarding. He did it once last week. Oops...Asparagus bloomed..bummer...need to take out some of that ginger plant...Freakishly big. need to cut top off of nectarine tree. I miss the plum tree. but now I can take away the concrete. Sand colored? DG? put the table there? What would Ann do? Her garden rocks. Garage door...oxxo slider? bi fold? is there such a thing as a xxxo? It is probably a million dollars.  How can that guy take away all this concrete AND dispose of it for so little? Gotta get Sam to understand that we can't take out the concrete until we have a plan. need a plan...need a plan. Fuck...Why can't I do this?
Meanwhile my eyes are scanning back and forth.  I am probably sighing a lot and wishing my inner yammer made a little more sense. It is very circular.   But I think I have these inner dialogues about everything.  Over analytical perhaps.  Maybe I should have the kids each draw a design and try to incorporate some of their ideas? Oh yeah- we need a rocket ship in the corner and a tree house on the roof. and a fairy garden with a gazillion figurines and maybe a fountain. SO what I had in mind.  I just want an awesome space. and then the inside of the garage...I could go on for hours forever.  But I DO have the skylights.  What is strange is usually I have a vision in my head of what I want and I can execute it. My garden totally eludes me.  My garage I see but with impaired vision. Frustrating.
I think I should take pictures tomorrow and document my progression. SO original, I know. Maybe by doing that I can clarify that- because writing this blog thingy is sure helping me to clarify some shit in my life even if it bores you to tears.

Here is a golden tidbit for you.... I am a research whore and a half. Sliding and or Bi fold doors are expensive- especially when you have a 16' opening to cover.  Bi folds are cool because you can essentially open up the whole wall to the outside. If you think you won't always open it all the way and don't want parts of it sticking out when it is partially folded then a slider makes more sense.  You can do these in different configurations but always make sure that if you want something like an oxxo- meaning that the outside panels are stationary and the inner two open- that there isn't a center post. The cheaper doors have this.  Again, doors are expensive.  If you need sliding glass doors there is a company called G-ology that has some great looking and less expensive then other doors.  I am thinking about getting the 4 panel sliding g-door...or the bifold.  I haven't seen these doors in person but they look nice from the pictures and are a fraction of the cost of the damn fleetwoods, lacantina, friggin cool ass nanawall and others. www.g-ology.com. I can't figure out why websites put music on their pages but this site has it and thankfully there is a headphone you can click to shut it up.  With people having such varying tastes It is strange to me that they do this.  What if I hate cheesy chill electronica? just sayin'

Crisis update

So here is my solving my crisis update.

I'm down to 15 mg of Cymbalta a day,  I haven't gotten a migraine this week and I should be getting my period tomorrow. This has been a very shifty week.  My moods are not very predictable lately and I feel cold all the time. I'm not complaining but I am hyper aware of whats going on, being in midlife crisis and all. I am finding that I am feeling things more intensely.  I feel REALLY pissed off when I am mad but I am also happier when I am happy.  I am not manic or bipolar- just feeling.  I am enjoying a sunny day more and damn, my house is clean.  My cleaning neurosis seems to be returning and the fact that my house looks like my housekeeper was JUST here and has looked that way consistently for a few days is enough to get me cheering from my rooftop.  I am actually saving time- or actually- gaining free time because I am not putting things off. I clean the kitchen after breakfast- quickly and BEFORE taking the kids to school. Kinda nice though I am driving like a bat outta hell to get Lulu to school on time.  Need to work on the timing a little.  I forgot to take the Cymbalta one day and had the dreaded nausea. 15mg...damn.  Those pharmaceutical companies sure know what they are doing when they strategize on how to continue to make money. "Let's make sure those suckers really notice when they don't take our fantastic happy pills." (Satanic laughter followed by wringing of the hands) "just watch them try, Try, TRY!!!! Bwaa hahaha!"  I think that antidepressants are great- don't get me wrong- but I never imagined the hell it would be to get off of them.

I just started taking vitamin D- I am vitamin D deficient-have I mentioned that?  Funny to live in California- IN THE SUN- and be vitamin D deficient. I am a sunscreen whore. It's skin cancer vs. soft bones, fatigue, moodiness, depression and seasonal affective disorders.  So taking the little capsules AND saving my skin because I gotta have the sunscreen. I'm vain that way.  If you saw my grandma you'd understand.  I have that thinnish Scandinavian skin that sizzles in a cloud cover..
Hmm...maybe the lack of vitamin D is what makes my feet hurt.  Also vitamin d gets absorbed into one's fat cells so overweight-not so good.
The weight....egads.  That is sticking to me like a million little geckos having a party. 

Thinking about getting the Alien Ganglion removed. It is REALLY bothering me. So great to have a little sensitive cyst to remind me how often I use my hands. 8 minute surgery and I have to be put under. That's it. and no more Ouchees. I tried to pop it by smashing my finger with a garlic press- it was there and had a flat side and a book is too big. I whacked it many times and only succeeding in making it hurt worse. So not only did I end up with a sore finger but I also felt like an idiot. And it wasn't even a hurt so good kind of a thing.
I have an appointment with another endocrinologist next week to get a second opinion on my thyroid levels and sexy nodule. Also getting an ultrasound of tummy thing that hurts. Then I should get some new spark plugs.

And unrelated to my health, I am aging, issues- I like my woodworking class.  I made a mitered edge frame and a dado joint. Ooo laalaa. Feeling very accomplished. Also- got an estimate for my backyard to get the concrete removed so that we can grade around the garage so I can at last have a studio.
I think I am more peppy, getting more things done. Bribing the kids with quarters is working well- Lulu thinks that when she has $100 she can get a computer, an itouch and  a TV for her room. Ha! Maybe she can pay someone to steal them for her.
OH- AND I finished our taxes and sent them in. sssslam dunk. Love that I have that done.  So there is a fraction of my life summed up in a lil' ol blog.  I think I need to get a little more clever next time...

In with the Old

So I went to my grade school "event" and despite my misgivings and general distaste for the school itself, I had a remarkably good time.  I saw one of my English teachers who I always felt didn't care for me much- I told him that I didn't know he had named his daughter, Susanna, after me. (I don't think he did but it was a good icebreaker)-but when we spoke he told me how great it was to see me and his eyes were all glossy and he certainly seemed genuine.  The headmistress came up to me and thanked me profusely for being at an event in the mid nineties.  I thought it odd considering there was another teacher there and we were asked to say nice things about him. I had nothing nice to say because he truly is an asshole so instead I politely ripped him a new asshole.  And she thanked me for it.  She said she learnt SO much that night. I got emails for months after that from other former students thanking me for being honest.
Anyway... The thing that really gets me is how people who knew you when you were in fourth grade and through high school seem so much more unconditionally there.  There is a weird trust. An unsaid almost love that makes you feel immediately comfortable with them. After the event, I went to a deli that I hadn't been to in about 15 years with a guy I knew who is two years my senior (Cool guy I ran into at Starbucks), a girl who was one of my best friends when I was about 14 and a guy from my sisters class who "went" with her in like 6th grade.  And it was SO easy to be with them. We happily chatted over our Reubens and pancakes. We talked about politics, about our kids, life in general- it was really interesting and I felt like someone I wanted to be friends with. 
During this midlife crisis I have been searching for myself.  And I am finding myself in the most unlikely of places. There is a lesson there that I will try to take to heart. I am taking more chances- not like jumping into the street to see if a car will hit me but throwing myself into situations where I am not sure I will be comfortable.  I have been so pleasantly surprised so far.  Makes me want to do more things!

Memory Lane is a Pain

BIG close encounters on the agenda for this evening.  I canNOT believe that I am actually going to go to a reunion of sorts for my high school.  I HATED my high school and most of the people there.  The teachers were not very charming and many of them just downright mean and disrespectful.  Too bad my favorite teacher there ended up having affairs with students. Ugh...a Pedophile. The best teacher there- in my opinion- was a pedophile. Thankfully I remained unmolested. By him anyway.
I think of these people all standing around at this event making small talk, talking about the "old days" as if they are the days of glory- the golden days- the days when things were just better. I'm pretty sure no one really cares about each other and if there are like me, MAY be going to check out the fancy digs and free food. and then I think about the 25 years of girth. A pound for every year and a matching wrinkle just to make one feel smashing or just feel like smashing things.  What the hell to wear? What makes me look skinny? What makes me look young? What makes me look like the kind of person that people say. "Wow the years have been good to her." and why oh why do I care? THAT is the most annoying part. Besides the HUGE flawdar (Radar for flaws) that will be going bizerk over my head this evening.  Negative connotations make my flawdar really hum with glee. So one has to ask...WHY the hell go anyway?
WWWWWell...in midlife crisis we seek out new adventures and this is about as close to an adventure that I can get to at the moment. The terror! And, in all honesty, maybe I will see some people who look like shit and have boring lives that will make me feel much better about myself and life as a laundress/chauffeur.  There are a couple people I am friendly with there. The guy I ran into last week was a lovely person.  Imagine my horror if all the people are really nice! Yikes!
It doesn't help that I am at day 17 of my "cycle". Day 15-17 are the days that I should have my batteries removed and be shoved in the back of a closet. I am an ugly ugly person. No apologies. I'm bitchy and have pretty much no patience. Definitely not my shinier days as far as sparkling personality goes. These also seem to be the days when my kids make an extra effort to see how close they can get me to blow a gasket. As I write this Oliver is in the background going "Waagaa Waaga Waaga!' loudly and with a high pitched squeaky girly boy voice- Lulu is listening to Pandora.  She has programmed it to only play music from Mary Poppins, the Lion King, Annie, the Little Mermaid, Lilo and Stitch and the Sound of Music.  It is FAN  TASTIC.  This is also a reason that this mama needs to get out of the house.  I am willing to subject myself to a reunion just to get a break. Wow...there is a psychological study right there.
So after the "gathering" and I am hopefully feeling well liquified and can spend the rest of the evening trying to figure THIS week out.  I am putting things off. I need to convert our garage. I need to get the concrete removed from our backyard but the cost of it makes me what to hurl- and strangely $58 kids shoes don't??? huh.
I need to get our tickets for the summer. 2 months in Europe. We are fancy that way and lucky as fuck that we have a fairy mother in law who gets us there.  To do to do. A-wheem-a way A -wheema-a way. friggin Lion King.
Need some inspiration.
and I need to get myself primped for my trip down memory lane. 

There's a marble in my shoe

I have stopped the physical therapy for my feet- I haven't really been wearing the orthotics.  I have been walking in my MBT's. All is as it once was before midlife crisis began.  Strangely enough, the feet are feeling a bit better. Maybe I was just treating them too old.  Maybe the weight of the world is less heavy. I don't miss cute podiatrist and I'm not sure I will go back. I DID like the foot massages but luckily I have a husband who is always happy to oblige. Lucky lucky me.

I'd like to really start walking again- maybe even do a pathetic jog that kind of looks like walking but is really a jog that really aught to just be a walk.  I should probably get some new running shoes- maybe even get fitted at the New balance store for them.  Oh that sounds ULTRA fancy. Will I actually go and get MY feet fitted for a new pair of shoes. Probably not. I still haven't gotten a new pumice stone.

Both Sam and I have narrow feet so, yes, our children also have narrow feet.  Gone are the days of happily buying $14 shoes at Target. Lulu has been wearing a pair of size 11 shoes for the past while.  She likes them because they stay on her feet. This would be great if her feet was actually a size 11. They are 12.5. She has been complaining of hip pain and has gotten out of PE class at school complaining that her feet hurt.  I have tried to get her to wear bigger shoes but she has refused and anyone that knows Lulu knows how hard it can be to make her do anything she doesn't want to do.  I broke down and took her to the expensive shoe store where they basically have a pediatric podiatrist fit them for shoes.  ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY ONE dollars is what I spent today.  And Lulu was SUCH a brat. Here I am in the shoe store as Lulu is being presented beautiful shoe after beautiful shoe that will make her tiny little feet happy. She is scoffing and turning her nose up and all I can think is "What the Fuck? I wish someone would take ME out of their way and get me some happy feet shoes." and Yes I AM available if anyone should feel the urge to...
I am so acutely aware of the pain that my kids could have. I don't want them to have plantar fasciatis or get weird pains here and there. They are little! They shouldn't have midlife crisis pain. So each kid got 2 pairs of shoes- Some sparkly grey ones and some suede pink ones for Lulu- some grey sandals and obnoxious lite up sneaks for Oliver.  And what did I get? An earful from Lulu and over sized balloons thrown at my head as I sped down the 405 freeway. Life is dreamy and my kids feet will be healthy, happy and hoppy.  Trying to be zen. Trying to be zen.
I really HAVE been looking for my marbles....I wrote a while back about trying to be a better mom. I suppose getting shoes that fit is a great start.  But I am really trying not to let their little "things" make me mad. Lulu was being embarrassingly snotty and princess like and I didn't freak out on her. I apologized for her behavior to the guy at the store. He was SUCH a gentleman about it. He must deal with a ton of little fuckers everyday.  In the car I told her she was disrespectful and that wasn't OK to speak to grownups, or anyone like that.  Probably went over her head but in my mind I feel like she really heard me and learnt something. HA... no, but really.

But it was a good day. I spent the whole day with the kids and I think I was really present.  This is the first time I have been on the computer today- Saw seals this morning as I walked around the sun drenched marina with Oliver while Lulu did her karate class.  I thought to myself that life is pretty good.  The east coast is freezing and here I am in a t shirt holding a nice little warm hand and listening to the excited little questions of my littlest beloved as the seals give each other kisses.  He is wearing new shoes.  I am not. and yet it was all good.  We went to the park, I had meaningful conversations with other moms, we went for lunch, saw a bad kid's movie. It was a real Saturday (as opposed to a fake Saturday where I ignore the kids and they watch TV. but actually that kind of Saturday sounds kinda good too.) They were exhausted and went right to sleep. I am exhausted too and my feet don't hurt.
Ya know. I think I have found a marble or two.

Thump this

I think I need to reiterate- NO ONE has ever died of a cannabis overdose. People die of alcoholism, people die from cigarettes, pills, and in religion based clashes.
Yet- on the Family Feud ignorance prevails.  Steve Harvey talks about Cannabis as being an illegal drug. DOOOOOOD. You are in California and it is not illegal if you have a prescription- so stop making those of us who do smoke (for very good reasons) feel like "the devil". I especially appreciated his reaction to the guy touching his arm- He pulls it away as if the guy is a derelict.  Not even funny.  I can't quite figure out if he is actually pissed off or not? Why exactly are we all going to hell?  Apparently Steve Harvey is a total Bible thumper.   If there is ANYTHING I hate it is an ignorant,judgmental, holier then thou person.
I LOVE that the least popular answer is passing the collection plate at church. The Irony. HA! So maybe there ARE more "sinners" out there then previously thought????  Wonder what the other answers were? STD's?
Regardless, this "Weedhead" takes offense.

Life is Souper

 Midlife crisis- It seems that SO many of my friends are going through their own versions of it.  Times are a'changing, things are a'shifting.  It is like one big collective soup sitting on the table in a god awful tureen smelling like shit.
This is some dinner party.  I imagine my friends sitting around the table.  We are all dressed in what we think makes us looks best- young, thin, hip, smart...Most of us are actually just wearing black- hiding the flaws and hoping nobody notices. The table has a nice crisp damask table cloth with some faded wine stains. The plates don't match, a couple of the forks are bent but all in all it is comfortable and not necessarily uninviting. What is weird is we are all looking at the god awful tureen. No one wants to eat it. I am actually scowling and trying not to laugh.My mother is there muttering about how soup is REALLY just glorified gravy.
So to celebrate the tureen here is a favorite soup recipe AND, better yet,  this one would look really bad in a tureen- so just ladle it into a bowl and maybe put a dollop of creme fraiche on it- because a dollop of anything is FANTASTIC..

	Martha Stewart's Lentil Soup
	Serves 4 | Prep Time: 20 minutes | Total Time: 1 hour
	If soup becomes too thick during cooking, add up to one cup more water. Ingredients 3 ounces Bacon or Pancetta 1 medium onion chopped fine 3 whole carrots 3 cloves of garlic 2 tbsp tomato paste 1 1/2 cups green lentils 1/2 tsp dried thyme 29 oz Chicken Broth- this is either 2 cans of broth or 3 1/2 cups fresh. 1 tbsp Red Wine Vinegar In a Dutch oven (or other 5-quart pot with a tight-fitting lid), cook bacon medium-low heat until browned and crisp, 8 to 10 minutes. Pour off all but 1 tablespoon fat. Add onion and carrots; cook until softened, about 5 minutes. Stir in garlic, and cook until fragrant, about 30 seconds. Stir in tomato paste, and cook 1 minute. Add lentils, thyme, broth, and 2 cups of water. Bring to a boil; reduce to a simmer. Cover; cook until lentils are tender, 30 to 45 minutes. Stir in vinegar, about 1 1/2 teaspoons salt, and 1/4 teaspoon pepper. Serve immediately. Per serving: 346 calories; 4.3 grams fat; 26.1 grams protein; 54.1 grams carbohydrates; 24.7 grams fiber

Note: If you prefer to leave out the bacon, skip step 1, and cook the onions and carrots in 1 tablespoon olive oil. Also if you shop at Trader Joe's and want to make this really easy buy the Mirepoix in the veggie section- It is chopped onions, carrots and celery and comes in a clear plastic container.  Works great and saves a bunch of precious time during which you could be doing laundry.
This soup also keeps really well and is great as a leftover with rice.  I always make extra.

*NOTE:  JUST to be clear- Tureen photos are purely for the displeasure of the viewer and are not, in any way, representational of what I consider to be a beautiful objet for the serving of liquidy or softer textured foods.

Sharing the Wealth

I have a great friend who rewards her kids with quarters and they are just about the best kids ever. So in hopes of having some o' dat- I bought my kids piggy banks yesterday. Oh the joy! Amazing how incredibly excited littles get by a ceramic pig they can put money into.
Oh the sorrow! Even more amazing is the devastation following the shattering of piggy on the floor by little brother. 
This morning I promised Lulu I would go back to Target and get her another one. So off I went for another meditative morning in the aisles.  While I was in line getting the piggy bank plus 3 t-shirts that Oliver doesn't need, I observed a younger mom behind me with a pair of twin boys. One was mashing bananas onto the cart while the other one was showing me what a lovely set of choppers he has. They were incredibly cute amongst the boxes of diapers and miscellaneous baby stuff. In my mind I am thinking "Jeezus shit, HOW does she do it.  TWO boys?" She looks at me and starts apologizing for her son's behavior as if I care that there is banana mushed all over the target cart. Then the hour of Targeted meditation hits me. I know how to get rid of some of my clutter!
"Hey do you need any clothes for your kids? toys? stuff? I have a 4 year old...."
She looks at me slightly bewildered as if for a moment she is trying to decide if I am #1. Serious and #2. a weirdo. 
Then a big smile crosses her face.  I continue by saying how it must be hard having two and the amount of clothes they must go through blah blah blah...
"That would be GREAT!" she says.  I get her number and leave feeling like the cat who ate the canary.
HA! I have fooled this woman into taking all of Oliver's barely worn and wonderful clothes! So much better then trying to sell it at a garage sale and she will actually use it. Hurray. That gets rid of part of the clutter. 
Am I perhaps solving my problems?

Targeted Therapy

After a morning of AGAIN sympathizing with those animals that eat their young, I was off to Target for some therapy.  Today therapy cost me a little under $100.
I got:
Valentines for the kids and their friends. I know we should make them ourselves but I just don't have the energy to nag my kids into making 25 each.
A bed skirt. FINALLY.  AND on sale. It irks me to may $60 for an over sized sheet...but at $19.99 I can handle it.
A t-shirt for Lulu- she actually already has this one but it has a big stain on it and she really likes it....plus it's only $4.
A throw blanket for Lulu that I think I will return because once opened the quality kinda bites.
Cute napkins that stimulate my napkin fetish.
Cute wrapping paper AND on clearance for a buck. Like I need MORE wrapping paper....Do I have a wrapping paper fetish too??? Something to consider.
2 Piggy Banks to try new bribing tactics with children.
Band aids- why can't I get bigger one to fix bigger things in my life? get a second box for the car because I am a mom who thinks ahead....sometimes.
Cleaning supplies- the "real" reason for going to Target. 

As usual I ran into someone I knew there.  Another mom out for some soul soothing.

Feeling like I wasn't quite therapized (is that even a word?) I went next door to Bed Bath and Beyond.
There I got a kiddy thermos for 50% off. We are ALWAYS losing the damn tops to those things. WHY can't I just buy the top?
ANOTHER bed skirt that looks JUST like the one I just got but its $10 cheaper.
and another one for a friend of mine who also has a Cali King bed and needs a skirt for it. They had JUST her color. I like getting stuff for friends. Can't really afford it but it makes me feel good and she really DOES need one because she literally has an over sized sheet as hers right now and no one likes a bed skirt that isn't tailored. At least I don't.

So then I went back to Target and returned the first bed skirt and thought maybe I should cruise into Ross, which is on the other side. This Ross is possibly the worst Ross ever. This is a GOOD place to go to really nip that shopping bug and send you home. So I take a stroll through there and leave disgusted with a throw blanket for Oliver because if Lulu gets one and he doesn't then I am right back to wanting to eat them again.

Close encounters of the Starbucks kind.

Midlife crisis number 342-
What to do when you are sitting in a Starbucks having bad coffee and someone you haven't seen since high school walks in and hasn't noticed you yet?
Part of what is horrifying me in my ripe youngish oldish age is the weight gain.  I actually actively avoid people because the idea that the last time they saw me was about 30-40 pounds ago really makes actually physically pains me.  I have issues. self image issues. Age does not sit well with me. Not unlike my grandmother who used to say to me "when I get up I feel great.  Then I see my reflection and my day is ruined."  Yes I am superficial this way. I admit it.  I will most likely go under the knife someday because the idea of an old neck makes my face get crinkly in self loathing.  I want a mommy makeover but I need to not only figure out how to pay for it but lose weight for? My protruding tummy a result of tearing my muscles mid hurl while pregnant depresses me every day.  And trying to get rid of clutter?  I hold on to my size 6 pants thinking that someday I will fit in them again.  So at size 12 with an aging neck, deep worry lines in my forehead and said protruding tummy- what does one do when you see someone from high school?
You pretend to read the classified section of the paper. Wow. I had NO idea that a Chevy 1500 truck went for that. What is a Chevy 1500 anyway? Wow his kid is REALLY cute. awww...cute kid is smiling at me. Now, his wife is smiling at me.  She looks so nice.  OK...mustering up courage...hate small talk...can sit here and drink my mocha in silence..The kid is wearing a sweatshirt with the school name on it!
"Hey! I went there." I say....
and what a lovely time I had. 
Our kids ended up playing in a nearby playground for a couple hours while we caught up and then some.  Sometimes a crisis isn't a crisis at all!

Clutter mutter

About a month ago, I saw an article in Sunset magazine (?) about a family who has pared everything down in their house to the point of having like a handful of trash every year. How anyone with 2 boys does that is beyond me.  Does this mean that Target is not a part of this mom's life?  Where does she go to relax? A yoga class????  Forget the fact that they started doing this because some friends lost everything in a fire is a little odd.  I don't want to live my life worried that my house is going to burn down- though when I was a kid I REALLY wanted one of those chain ladders for outside my windows just in case we had a fire.  Never mind that we lived in a one story house at the time and the drop from my window to the ground was all of about 3 feet.
What I have been obsessing about since I saw this article was the fact that these people had almost nothing in their house. There house was groovy and modern and so cccclean. I want that. Their whole philosophy was that they want to LOVE everything they have.  They keep their photos in an album that they take out a couple times a year and look at. No photos out on surfaces. They have a limited wardrobe with just essentials. How does anyone NOT have 73 t shirts?  The amount of time I spend picking crap up and dusting useless objects makes me crazy and no matter what I do I just CAN'T seem to thin it out.  These people get ALL their books at the library. We must have about 1000 books. I try to get rid of some.....but my art books...can't get rid of those...and my gardening books, no way,  classic children's books. nope. It is just a losing proposition.  Also...if we DON'T have books don't we seem like illiterate boring people? Clutter.  I can't stand it.
I spent about 4 hours in the garage today.  Other then feeling like a big wad of spiderwebs, I'm not feeling I really got rid of enough.
So Midlife crisis is about NEEDing and wanting change. I feel like I need to purge all this extraneous stuff and literally kick it to the curb.  I live in an area where there are a bunch of low income apartment buildings so I am constantly putting treasures outside-  bags of clothes, books, furniture.  I put out a little table and chair set that was the kids and it was gone in, seriously, under 5 minutes.  No, I am not a hoarder. I don't think I am even close- but the clutter, the small amount of clutter is enough to make my midlife crisis self want to chew the arms off my aeron chair. Don't get me started on the pile of paper on my desk. What to do? What to do?
I googled "clutter" to see if I could get some tips.  Here are a couple:

Optimize vertical storage: Instead of trying to use every square inch of your floor space, use vertical storage. Shelving, book shelves, and vertical storage solutions will help you gain more floor space and keep everything in plain eye sight.

My translation- If you have MORE shelves you can have MORE stuff! And if you have more stuff YEAH! you CAN become a hoarder. And everything in plain sight? More visual chaos is grrrrrreat for the soul.

Imagine how great you will feel: Have you ever walked into a clean room and then right into a cluttered room? Even though you think it may not affect you, try living in the cluttered space for days and weeks at a time. You will find you are less productive, more irritable and less likely to want to spend meaningful time in the space. Try it.

My thoughts; This person is a jackass and assumes I am too. Shut the fuck up and come clean my house bitch.

The best I saw was someone who called clutter "a decision delayed".  Rather then go through the mail immediately we put it down and then do it again.  Pretty soon there is a pile. makes sense right? Why not just through the 90% of it that is junk away then and there? what it takes 26 seconds and saves your eyes from the visual mess later right?
If you are trying to declutter and need some fairly decent advice that doesn't talk to you like you are an idiot- I thought this site was pretty decent-
organized home

Maybe I WILL be as uncluttered as the family in the magazine.  But I just can't give up Target....
and just so you know HOW neurotic I actually am- Here is a picture of my living room on a really good day. Not THAT cluttered but more then I want it to be.  Imagine how it looks after the kids have been in there for a couple hours.  Puzzle pieces, cars, stuff I am unable to define.

Maybe a clutter free home is a clutter free mind?
Something to ponder in my cluttered head.

Going against the 'Grains

Some days feel like crisis.  This morning felt a little like crisis but that was only because my head was pounding and HAD been pounding since Tuesday.  I was worried that I'd caught Lulu's bug that had kept her home since last Friday.  I also had this idea that because I am not on Wellbutrin anymore that maybe my migraines had gone away. Not so.  After 2 days of brain thumping, I reluctantly took my Maxalt this morning and got rid of most of my headache. How to get rid of the rest of it?
After dropping the kids off at school, I came home and had a bong hit of "Chocolope" did the job and I was able to carry on with my day, headache free. I even happily cleaned the house.
Yes, I am a certified, prescription carrying weed smoking mom. I have a pretty lavender bong in my medicine cabinet along with a couple of different strains of pot in a fashionable little LeSportsac bag. I only smoke a few times a week.  And it has made a HELL of a difference in my life.  I don't wake and bake, do it in front of my kids or operate machinery while "under the influence."  I don't think I am any less of a good mother as a result.  In fact, I think it has made me a better mom. I don't really drink, I don't smoke cigarettes. I never smoke more then a little. And I usually do it when the kids are at school or have gone to bed.

I went and got my $45 prescription at a shady place on Sawtelle and Pico.  One of the stranger places I have been. I rang the doorbell and was greeted by a very happy and efficient Asian man. He was NOT stoned and was very, for lack of a better word, perky. I waited a few minutes for "the doctor" and was lead through a small hallway, past an older Asian lady working at a desk- in the hallway- and into a storage closet.  The room was lined with multicolored files and below them sitting at an old dilapidated formica desk was Kim Jong-Il.  Actually it wasn't him but it looked like him and it's more fun to think of him giving me a prescription for pot.  He asked me a series of questions and then gave me my prescription because "Cannabis VERY good for migraine". I wondered if I had somehow broken a law as I passed a young lad slouched in a chair with his skateboard waiting to see the dictator.
I immediately went to the collective near my house. How friggin convenient.  They took my prescription and told me that I could come back in 24 hours and get my "meds". HOW psyched was I?
The collective is a place that I actually love going to because they are so damn nice and really want to help. It isn't remotely sleazy and doesn't make me feel like I am doing something wrong.  I was that kid that came home when I was supposed to and felt guilty if I did anything "wrong". So this works for me.  The people of the collective DO ask their members to grow at home if they can. I can't quite wrap my head around that one. I have a hard time imagining myself as a weed farmer. I have images of my gardeners lying on my chaises smoking joints saying "hoooooombre" to each other.

I have figured out that I can get the effects of cannabis without being a spaced out mom version of Spicoli.  Who knew at the ripe age of 42 that I would know the differences between Indica and Sativa?
In my college years I smoked mostly indica. For me, indica is the stony, glazed eyes, chuckling sporadically, munchy inspiring, staring at the wall and falling asleep variety.  Doooooooooood- this is sedating.
I much prefer Sativa- which is a more cerebral, uplifting yet relaxing, I can function and I bet you can't tell I just smoked variety. I have had a couple of hybrids which have been okay but really I just like good ol' Sativa.  Fire Diesel, Blue Dream, Chocolope are a few that I have had success with.  It amazes me how incredibly effective it is in getting rid of migraines. I think my problem is that my brain goes at 723 miles an hour, I get stressed out, start gnashing my teeth and then get a headache among other things. Makes it really hard to function without trying to chew your own arm off.  It feels good to slow down. I actually feel inspired to do art and write afterwards as well...almost like being more myself.
How many mom's drink wine? How many smoke cigarettes? I suppose I could have a couple of glasses of wine and get tipsy but that Mama's helper doesn't work as well for me.  No one has EVER died from a marijuana overdose.
Being a mom/caregiver, it is important to me to be alert and I can actually remain so on Sativa. Why am I trying to make excuses? Probably because there are so many people out there who think the devil now has control of my soul or something. There is no place for judgment here- we all do what is best for us. 
So on the days that "crisis" really feels like it is wrapping its midlife claws around my neck, it is nice to know that I can toke it up, exhale and get through my day or evening.  It is also sort of funny, strange, annoying and ironic that I am addicted to Cymbalta- totally legal everywhere. I can't get off it, like a crazed heroin junky.  It hasn't even made me happier.  The pot HAS and it's natural. Damn. Who can argue with THAT?

Mommy and Daddy (Yes, I call them that) don't be mad... I can't believe at 42 I am saying that. But hey...I care. At least it's not crack.

Ready or not...

A midlife crisis happens to people sometime between the ages of  40 and 60. It is considered a normal part of growing up or "maturing" because apparently growing up is only for kids?  It is said that most people will experience some sort of emotional transition during this stage of their life.  This is a time when you put it all out on the table, examine your life with a microscope and decide what needs to change.  It is the time that people decide to run marathons, seek adventure, cheat on their spouses, it makes some people depressed and makes others write blogs.
I am trying to figure myself out.  I have spent so many years taking care of others that I have lost sight of who I am.  When I find myself then I think I CAN lay it out on the table and hopefully make rational choices that don't hurt anybody because that is also another thing that people going through midlife crisis can do.
One thing I am sure of about myself other then the obvious "I am a mother, I am a wife"
My kids are THE most important thing in my life.
I have no desire to go out and meet another guy.  I like my guy.  He drives me crazy but we are good together.
Am I afraid of the future? Yes.
Do I wish he thought more about me and the kids then he does about himself? Yes but I understand why he does.
Does his CPAP machine make me crazy? Yes.
Do I wish I had a thing for Darth Vader? Yes.
Is Sam the nicest human being on the planet? Yes.
Am I lucky? Yes.
Do we have a good life? Yes. More money would be nice but that is my responsibility.  Part of my search for self and self worth is finding a way to make some money. I could get a metal detector and search for gold on the beach or I could try to do something that improves my self esteem and helps me to define myself. Though I DO love walking on the beach, I also want to preserve my young complexion (ha) so digging holes in the beach is out.
Part of my midlife crisis is entrenched in the realization that I have nothing to fall back on.  Over the last few years my husband has had many medical issues.  I have had moments of "OH SHIT What am I going to do?" I have NO way to support us if something should happen. It is amazing to have alot of skills and not be marketable.  I suspect that there are many moms like this.
Another thing I know about myself is that I am "Creative".
My background in in design. I am a certified Interior Designer. I was a set decorator.  My problem is I don't love the people I have to interact with.  I hate the hand holding and playing mediator between husbands and wives.  I do enough mediating at home. It is a VERY emotional process for people. I get it- but I'm not being paid to be a couples counselor and I don't get to nod and say "uh huh...and how do YOU feel about....".  And it's not that I am bad at it. I just don't like THAT aspect.  AND people always want to save a buck- even if it means taking it out of MY pocket even after I have no only saved them a ton already but helped them through some of their personal issues as well.
I've thought about staging. Downside of that, though it would be easy for me to do, is that there are many very established stagers out there who have large warehouses with furniture. I can't compete with that.  I could try to work for one of them but I am pretty sure they don't pay much.
I've thought about going into real estate. I could get a license online. I'd be good at that but my mom says that they will "hire any scum off the street" so that bubble was decimated. Popped, stomped on, thrown into a fire to melt and then spit on.  Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my mom and I don't think she actually meant to stick pins in my eyes and then pour lemon juice on them. When parents say something it becomes so much bigger. Another thing I get and need to work on with amazing therapist.
Another part of midlife crisis is a desire to start doing the things you have always wanted or said you were going to do. I have ALWAYS wanted to do a silk screening class and also a woodworking class. I like painting. One of my fave artists is Rauschenburg. LOVE his art. My art is influenced by his. I am a little more "painterly" but I love the texture and layers in his paintings.  So one thing I am doing FOR me is I am starting a silk screening class next week. I want to learn to integrate my photographs (I also like photography) into my art. Maybe this will kick start something.
I have always wanted to know how to "be a carpenter" and not because I think Jesus is cool or anything but because I grew up watching my parents build stuff. Kitchens, beds, the womb room (a WHOLE other blog entry). My mom seemed to always have safety goggles on her saw dust covered head while my dad inevitably yelled "FUCK IT!" from the wood shop in the basement after hitting his finger with a hammer for the 418th time.  I have watched my mother renovate countless houses. I would LOVE to do the same. Unfortunately I am at a loss in the capital department. But maybe someday. I have done a great job with our house now but couldn't do the work myself.
So I have my thoughts, they are under a microscope. More to come.