Evaluation control

So mid life crisis…..Kinda makes you evaluate and re-evaluate yourself a lot.  There are days where I feel great. There are days that I feel like crap. Most days I am somewhere in between vacillating between happy and pissed, excited and full of dread.  I look around myself constantly thankful for what I have but wanting more and wondering just what will happen next. I wonder how will I make a buck, how will I continue on this path with some sense of contentment. Do I need antidepressants and is anyone truly happy? Is there anything in this life that isn’t some kind of a let down? Is the only thing truly perfect the softness of my children’s cheeks and how they make me feel when I kiss them?  I question my mothering skills, I question my ability to lose weight, I question my ability to be anything more then I am right now- a mom, a wife, an advocate for my kids and husband, a homemaker and caretaker. A numbers cruncher, laundry folder who can make a dado joint and a good goose.

This week I had the flu. A disaster. Oliver is on spring break, Lulu is not. My house looks like a bomb hit it and now that I am on a fraction of the cymbalta that I was on, my obsessive need for clean is showing its shiny head. I can’t relax because I am aware that the house looks like crap. I want to throw everything away so that I don’t have to deal with it at all. I didn’t even make my bed today and I have thought about it about 200 times. Well, not 200 but maybe 3.

I made myself fresh matzo ball soup because one I like is too expensive to buy every day. I can’t make matzo balls. I am seriously questioning my Jewish heritage because my matzo balls could double as door stops.. Nothing like the light and fluffy ones I pay too much money for.  But I do make good broth. I can give myself thumbs up for that.

I feel behind the eight ball. Oliver is on break and I refuse to rest while he watches TV.  It is also sunny and beautiful outside and I am not at all worried about radiation in the air. I want my son outside playing. So that means I have to be outside playing too.  I am not being a martyr- I am just not wanting Oliver to spend his break with the Bubble Guppies or Ultraman.

So evaluating and re-evaluating.  It is a constant thing.  It just seems like a never ending quest to figure out the “right” thing to do. It isn’t like there is a right or wrong thing here. Whatever happens happens but trying to figure out how to take things in stride and to be okay with decisions.  This is where being a Buddhist or Taoist would be a helpful.  

A winning lottery ticket wouldn't be so bad either....